i didn’t leave my apartment today. i slept in. i lounged. i caught up on my reality shows. i decided to look at my bank account and pay some bills. that’s when it happened…
since i was a little girl, i have always known what i wanted and would do what it took to get it. i wanted an american girl doll which my parents said was really expensive and that i would have to purchase if i wanted. so i got a job. i think i was around 8 or 9 years old and i started doing extra chores around my house, going to my neighbors house and doing whatever i could do earn a dollar. eventually i had $100 and bought my doll. a few years later i wanted a specific pair of shoes and wouldn’t settle until i had found the perfect ones. i can’t even remember how many times my mom suggested pairs that, from what she could tell, were what i was looking for, but i knew just weren’t the right ones. six months passed and then i walk by them. it was an indescribable moment for me. i just knew that this was it. no questions. no concerns. no doubts. those were the ones.
as i got older i kept both qualities. knowing exactly what i wanted and working hard to get it. in high school i was a full time [A] student, went to the junior college for dual credits, worked four part time jobs and volunteered in several ministries at my church. i bought all my own clothes, shoes, personal items, paid for (a majority of the time) my own cell phone, gas for my car, oil change, minor maintenance and any activity that i wanted to participate in. not saying that i was even close to being independent financially, not at all, but i never waited around for someone to hand things to me - in that sense, i am very independent.
today was the first time that i had a very odd feeling. one that i can’t really describe, but one i never want to feel again. maybe a little desperation, helplessness, dependent. since spring of 2011 i haven’t had a consistent job. i’ve been able to get a few paychecks here and there to make ends meet, but nothing like what i’ve been used to in the past. it may sound stupid to some people, but i can’t afford a “back to school” pair shoes, or the new pair of boots i want for this fall season, i can’t afford a new lip stick if i’m having a bad day (and that my friends, is NOT good), to be honest… i can’t even afford to go to the grocery store or put gas in my car to get to church. it was completely overwhelming for this reality-lightbulb to go off.
i spent the rest of the day scouring the internet for jobs or ideas for potential jobs, working on my resume, applying for jobs and checking my email more than one person should in one hour (really? who’s going to respond on a saturday?). i’m even applying to watch peoples children (D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-I-O-N)!
the moral of all this: i’m very quickly going to be a thin, humble woman who can’t just say that i trust God, but 100% rely on him.